This is why Kirk didn't study Linguistics
by Invader Skrabb
Summary: Kirk tries to find new ways of insulting McCoy with some rather funny consequences. *COMEDY*


_Knock knock knock._

"Spock,"

_Knock knock knock_

"Spock,"

_Knock knock knock_

"Spock."

Kirk waited impatiently outside his first officer's door, bouncing lightly up and down on his feet in excitement. He'd never felt this enthusiastic about learning a language before! He and Spock were chatting on the bridge (_well, Vulcans don't __**chat**__, apparently. Lightly conversing. Yes, that.)_ and somehow they'd gotten on to the topic of the Vulcan language.

Kirk soon realised, as most immature people do, that he could learn insults in another language. Vulcan must have some kind of insults, right? Surely the term "illogical" got tiring after a while, even for a Vulcan? The captain hoped so, as he planned to zap them at Bones and laugh at his face when Kirk would refuse to tell him what the word meant!

Suddenly, Spock's voice sounded from behind the door, "_Svi'sarlah_,"

"Huh?" Kirk said, loudly enough to be heard through the door, forgetting about a Vulcan's impeccable hearing.

"Come in," Spock supplied as the door swooshed open.

Kirk grinned and entered the quarters, taking in his surroundings. He'd never been inside Spock's room before, and he wanted to see every inch of it more than he realised. He spotted a few pictures lining the wall; photos and paintings of different areas in Vulcan, and even on Earth. He recognised the huge, towering buildings of New New York. (_Yes, they actually called it that. Or are going to call it that, or... actually, that one is the fourth since the originally, so, technically, it's the city of New New New New New York. ... I'm getting off track, I'll shut up now._)

Spock stood expectantly inside as the door closed behind the captain, "Good day, captain,"

"Hey, Spock," Kirk returned, though his smile seemed to be making the emotionless man uncomfortable. Trying to tone the smile down a bit, he went on, "So, when do we start?"

"Right away, preferably," Spock replied, and sauntered over to the island, "Tea?"

"Sure," Kirk said, his foot tapping lively, "What's "tea" in Vulcan?"

"_Tei_," Spock told him as the water began to boil, "I admit, I was rather surprised that you decided to learn Golic Vulcan, Captain. I did not know you were interested in such affairs as learning different languages, let alone off-world ones,"

"Well, you know, it couldn't hurt," Kirk shrugged, determined not to show his real intentions until Spock had become accustomed to teaching the man. Even he knew he could be a handful, but put it down to part of his charm.

"How do you like your tea?"

"Uh, black, with sugar,"

"_Nesh-kur tei heh slohr-tuk_." Spock nodded absently.

Kirk tried pronouncing those words, but it came out a wordy, slipperly mush. Spock looked almost amused as they both finally sat down at the table, facing each other.

"Now," Spock said, adopting his tone which Kirk knew all to well, "there is a general structure to a Golic Vulcan sentence. The verb, the subject, the object, and then everything else,"

"...Ok," Kirk said slowly, taking a gulp of warm tea.

"For example, _vesht gla-tor nash-veh sehlat na'svep. _Literally translated into English, that means _saw this-one sehlat at-door_. Which can obviously be interpreted as_ I saw a sehlat at the door_,"

"Um, ok, but when can you teach me words?" Kirk asked eagerly.

Spock gave him a look with hazel eyes over the brim of his mug. He swallowed the tea and said, "Is it not logical to learn how to form a sentence before learning words to say that sentence?"

"Well, I guess, but I was hoping you could teach me a few phrases," Kirk explained.

"I see. Anything in particular?"

Kirk shrugged. He couldn't bring up the insults right away, or Spock would refuse to teach him. Instead, he said the first thing that came to his mind, "Like, how do you say, what is it, '_live long and prosper_'?"

"_Dif-tor heh smumsa_," Spock said patiently.

Kirk looked stumped for a second, "Diff korr..."

"_Dif-tor_."

"_Dif-tor_ ey smoosa?"

"_Dif-tor heh smumsa_."

"Oooh, ok. _Dif-tor heh smumsa_." Kirk finally said, grinning.

"Excellent, Captain. But your accent is deplorable." Spock quipped, without meaning offense.

"Pfft. Well, then. Alright, what's next?"

"There is much more to learn before-"

"I can learn it along the way."

This debating went on for a while, until finally, Spock put up a hand for silence, "Captain, really, I do not wish for an argument,"

"Just teach me how to say something. You always say "I'm being illogical". Teach me how to say that so I can say it to Bones."

Spock's brows raised in understanding, and he leant back in his chair "Ah, I see. You wish to learn to insult other members of the crew in a way they will not understand,"

"Not all, just McCoy,"

Spock considered this for a moment, "I can imagine that the doctor's facial expressions would be most entertaining,"

"Exactly! Will you show me?"

"... I don't see why not."

"Awesome! Ok, I want you to show me "you are being highly illogical,". He hates it when you say that."

"That is just like the doctor," Spock mused, "That particular phrase in Vulcan is, "_Vesht dungi nam-tor ish maut riolozhikaik_,"

Kirk looked at him for a moment in silence eyes slit, "Hmm?"

Spock repeated the phrase and Kirk bit his lip, "Right, I have no idea how to say that,"

"You have not even tried,"

"You know how it's gonna sound, it's gonna sound like crap,"

"Let us focus on one word. Illogical. _Riolozhikaik_."

Kirk managed a few syllables, but he'd forgotten what the word was as soon as he began and tried improvising the rest. Spock's patience was being tried, and they repeated this word again and again.

"_Riolozhikaik_. _Kaik_, repeated."

"Cake."

"No, _kaik_."

"No, cake. I want cake, I'm hungry," Kirk complained.

"Repeat this word, and then you can eat,"

"Are you blackmailing me?"

Kirk could see he was trying Spock's patience, and he found it quite funny, so decided to roll with it.

"Blackmail, captain? No. Although I am beginning to understand why you did not choose to focus on xenolinguistics."

Kirk sighed heavily.

"Alright, captain-"

"One question,"

"What?"

"Do you think in Vulcan or English?"

* * *

In the medical bay, Bones sat at his desk with a book in his lap and feet on the table. He'd never gotten time to read anymore. It was nice to have some time to himself for a change, with no patients or anyone to disturb him.

Then he heard the door swishing open and he rolled his eyes dramatically, snapping him out of his fantasy realm.

The captain approached, "Jim, what is it?" Bones asked, "Is something wrong?"

The captain placed both his hands on the desk and the doctor shifted his feet. The serious stare met his gaze and Jim said, "Bones, I have spent all morning with Spock trying to come up with new ways of insulting you. I tried Vulcan and then I even tried Klingon, but you know what? Screw it. I'm going with a classic."

Kirk took a long, deep intake of breath as he raised his hand slowly in the air. And then his arm snapped back down and his finger pointed straight between the doctor's terribly confused eyes.

"_YOU SUCK_!"

* * *

**How's that for random?**

**Review, tell me what you think!**

**Yes, these are all real Vulcan phrases and words, as I'm learning a little bit myself, and I thought I'd share. This was meant to be a comedy, but it kind of turned out to just be some light hearted bantar aboard the Enterprise :3**

**Thanks for reading!**

**Dif-tor heh smumsa :P**


End file.
